Depression

I don't know why my husband losing his job has taken such a big toll on me. Is is because of the two of us he was the successful one? I finally felt like I could relax for once in my life everything wasn't all about money. At least hitting rock bottom has forced to me seek help for once in my life. I have always had bouts of depression, cutting, and self hurt. It is something I never talk about, in fact I never really talk about my feelings, I don't think most people even know who the real me is. In March I finally decided I should seek help and I have been seeing a therapist which is helping a bit but bring out a lot of other feelings I have had for a really long time that I have never addressed. For one I was never meant to be born my my mom never thought she could have children and here I am. My parents have never loved me or taken care of me(yet I am constantly trying to win there approval). Usually when I tell people some stories of my childhood they are in disbelief how they managed to keep me alive, because of this I don't really let many people in or before meeting my husband I didn't even think love was real. In the last couple of years, and a few illnesses later I find myself a completely different person then I used to be. What happened to the strong, independent, never scared girl? She has become a meek scardy cat who lets people walk all over her. I am putting an end to it, all of it. I am tired of crying, I am tired of being scared, I am tired of doing things for people who are ungrateful and do not care about me.  Starting today I am going to take care of myself and my feelings in the hopes of becoming the girl I used to be.

Death notice

I feel like I am losing weight to look pretty at my own funeral.

day job/money/life

Today I realized how little I make (compared to other people) and how I manage to make it work with all my student loans and bills I have. I use a budget spreadsheet and log everything I purchase. I am pretty tired of living like that. Needless to say I didn't get a promotion or a raise this year, my hope of ever getting promoted at work has dwindled to never happening. Two more promotions are coming up and I already heard rumors that they have been offered to other people before they have even posted the jobs as being available. How is this even fair? I do so much at work and even take special projects all the time, What am I doing wrong? I hate that lately I have been so negative on here but it is my only way to vent. Day in and day out I plaster a smile on my face so the tears can't escape. 2012 has been a pretty bad year and I am very excited about it ending. Hopefully there will be a lot of changes in 2013 both in my personal life and corporate life. Going to need to make some lists......

Today

I am so tried of being disappointed. I lack sleep, motivation, and energy. I miss the person I used to be.

The Fall

I love everything about the fall I wish it was the only season Illinois had, blah to winter. Someone buy me pumpkins please my neighbor has like 50 on his stoop, I want to steal them. I am not exaggerating 50 or so real pumpkins in cute little mounds, I hate him.

Hopes

Ahhhhh!!!!! I don't want to get my hopes up but one of the supervisors at my office just took another position in the company which means his should be open. This makes me super excited since it is the position I would like to have and I didn't think any of the supervisors would ever leave. I would love to get this position not only would I love the opportunity to move up in the company but I could really use the pay increase. Even though I do a lot for my company I don't feel as though I am taken seriously because of the way I dress. I have so much to think about but I really can't handle the disappointment If I don't get it. There is going to be tons of competition for this position so I think my first step it to talk to my supervisor and see if I would even be considered and to let her know that I am very interested. Keep you fingers crossed for me, I am going to need it.

The new house

After almost two years of searching and 4 offers on four places Derek and I bought our first home! The townhouse was the first place we saw after we lost a baby brick Tudor on a huge lot it was a huge disappointment for us to lose that place. A few days later I decided to drive around and look at open houses and stopped by one a few doors down from our current place. When I got home I told Derek about it and we decided to see what else was available in the subdivision.   Then we saw it listed on Redfin a short sale about 45k less then the open house I had been to. As much as I don't like new builds I actually liked it, its slightly hidden facing a forest preserve which makes it very quiet, it's 3 stories which I love, it gives the space a very open feel. It has a fireplace and walk in closets! We set up a meeting to see it and we both liked it. We could not believe the place and the size and the location about 30 mins from both our jobs, a bike path steps from our door and way under budget. We didn't make an offer since I was still adamant that I wanted a vintage house. After we found another house I liked and made an offer, and lost that one as well we decided to make an offer on the townhouse. We had no idea what we were in for, it took us almost 9 months to close because of all the short sale issues.  We finally closed on Aug 27th, after the closing we bought cleaning supplies and moved right in, we had our suitcases, a mattress, and our puppy. We both took a week off of work and started to make it our own. I can't wait to post before and after photos. We still have alot of unpacking to do since all of our stuff was in storage but we hope to be all done by the end of the month. Oliver adjusted the min we moved in and he loves the new place he learned how to run up the stairs the min we brought him home.  For me the transition has been a little bit slower, while I love the inside of the townhouse the outside is still a bit off putting to me. All our neighbors have a lab and walk there dogs while wearing college sweatshirts, no one is very friendly, and when I'm leaving for work I feel like little boxes the intro to Weeds. There are some great advantages though no mowing the lawn, no maintenance, a gym, a clubhouse, and the bike path. Best of all we have been able to do whatever we want to this place and truly make it our home I can't wait to decorate for the holidays and always have a place that is ours.